You Spent How Much on Your F*#k!ng Jeans!?!

How to Wash and Fade Your Raw Denim Jeans

Expert: Now, to recap: when you wash either sanforized or unsanforized denim how do you dry them?

Customer: Throw them on the floor and binge watch Netflix.

Expert: NO! HANG DRY! All right, now that you know the difference between sanforized and unsanforized as well as basic washing techniques, check out some intermediate to advanced ways to wash your jeans and get some great fades:

Washing:

• Swim in the ocean for thirty minutes allowing the salt water to soak into your denim. Hang dry jeans.
• Buy a used Slip-N-Slide on eBay. Pour Fiji water on it and slide back and forth for one hour. Hang dry jeans.
• Get shot at with Super Soakers for two straight hours. Hang dry jeans.
• Fill a bathtub with coconut water (not from concentrate) and sit in the tub while wearing the jeans. Hang dry jeans.

Fades:

• Wear them during gym workouts and long distance road cycling events.
• Wear them during sex.
• Wear them while you high kick the asshole who tried to take the last jar of organic locally sourced honey at your local farmers market.
• Get a weekend job unloading crates at a dock. Let your co-workers wear them on your days off.
• Join a backyard wrestling league and fight your way to a championship under the name ‘Denim Don.’ Retire from fighting and join the lecture circuit.
• Enlist in the armed services and wear them during a tour of combat.

Expert: Keep in mind, you can always call your local raw denim retailer to ask them what the best way to wash your denim before making an irreversible mistake. There are stores located all over:

There are stores located all over: Self Edge has 4 locations in Portland, Los Angeles, New York, and San Francisco, Blue in Green is located in New York, Burg&Schild is located in Berlin, Sivletto is in Stockholm, VMC in Zurich, Rivet and Hide recently opened a new shop in London, and imogene + willie in Nashville just to name a few.

These places specialize in this stuff so it is literally their job to know every make and model they sell as well as inform you on how to make your jeans fit perfectly and comfortably. You still with me?

Customer: Netflix has the worst movies …

Expert: HEY!

Customer: Oh, right. Sorry. Call your retailer with any questions and concerns. Got it. Hey, why are the Japanese so obsessed with Americana and denim anyway?

Expert: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Anything else?

Customer: I heard that guy Roy from Roy jeans lives in the woods in a cabin made of Horween leather and only eats berries and rivets. Is that true?

Expert: Do you believe everything you read on the internet?

Customer: Yes.

Expert: Good. Because, in this case, that rumor is absolutely true. Much like this entire Q&A.

The raw denim jeans pictured in this article is a pair of Iron Heart 301S.