You Spent How Much on Your F*#k!ng Jeans!?!

What is Raw Denim?

Customer: Why is it called ‘raw?’

Expert: Great question! Anything else?

Customer: I was told to never wash my raw denim. Is this true?

Expert: No, this is a myth spread over the years by hardcore denimheads who believe only the deepest fades and contrasts will come from never letting a single drop of water or detergent anywhere near them. Never washing them is ultimately a preference.

If you don’t wash them you can look forward to the following:

• Nobody wanting to share an Uber with you ever again.
• A sharp increase in stray dogs following you around your neighborhood.
• Your girlfriend finally leaving you.

Customer: If I don’t wash them and they start to smell can I just throw them in the freezer for a few days to kill the bacteria?

Expert: The only thing that will achieve is making your ice cube tray smell like your crotch.

Customer: Fine, I’ll carelessly throw them in a washing machine right now with a bunch of other clothes and see what happens.

Expert: NO, WAIT! I wasn’t done.

Customer: Oh, sorry. My bad. Now would probably be a good time to mention: I’m a millennial, so I have very little patience and an extremely short attention span. I also feel very offended right now for no other reason than it makes me feel important.

Expert: I apologize for offending you. Now, there is a right way and a wrong way to wash your raw denim as they do come in different forms, so read carefully:

Sanforized: In 1930, a dude named Sanford Lockwood Cluett realized he wasn’t man enough to wear untreated denim capable of sick ass fades so he created a shrink-to-fit machine that would stretch the denim while applying steam, water, and heat to relax the fabric and take care of the initial shrinkage. He originally named his invention the ‘Boo Hoo Hoo My Jeans Hurt Process’ but later changed it to ‘Sanforization.’

Anyway, denim labeled ‘sanforized,’ or any denim that is not specifically labeled ‘unsanforized,’ ‘shrink-to-fit’ or ‘loomstate,’ has gone through the aforementioned process before hitting the shelves. Upon first washing or soaking, shrinkage will be minimal (1% – 3%) so you can wear them for a couple weeks or months to get your fades started and then throw them in a washing machine (turned inside out) for a light, cold to lukewarm water wash and hang dry them. Always, always turned them inside out and hang dry.

Unsanforized: This basically means your denim has not gone through the ‘Boo Hoo Hoo My Jeans Hurt Process’ and once put in a washing machine or soaked could shrink fairly significantly in the waist, thighs, and inseam. Most manufacturers recommend a tub soak for these upon purchase. Depending on how much ‘shrink to fit’ you care to achieve, the longer you soak them and warmer the water, the more they will shrink.

The reason a pre-wear soak is recommended is because if you ever do need to wash them, the honeycombs you worked so hard to get from hours of riding your fixed gear to pretentious coffee bars and yoga studios in the Urban Outfitters theme park formerly known as Williamsburg will move from the back of your knee up to your mid-thigh. You’ll essentially look like a guy who stole pre-worn jeans from a defenseless, yet really hip 11-year-old.

Now it’s your turn to listen up! Go to page three to learn about the pearls and pitfalls that a denim novice can encounter while in search of that perfect fade